You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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