What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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