we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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