How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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