My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I will be naked everywhere
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
