i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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