Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
