I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
