before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
