you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
