Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I am one with the molecules
Come share oat with me in your robe
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
