the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
