It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
