As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
