I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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