Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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