I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
