well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
