I want to make a zoo with you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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