my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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