I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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