My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i think i just lost a toe
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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