In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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