So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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