thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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