Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
