WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
