Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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