I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
