we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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