wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
