they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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