Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
