I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
