im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
