I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
