we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
