I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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