When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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