i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
