I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
