I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
