Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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