My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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