woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
