i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
