I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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