Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
