I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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