Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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