I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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