My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
