I'm really into asian looking animals
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
