What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
