Swine flu is the new snow day.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
