I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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