My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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