so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
