the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
