i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
