took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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