The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
