you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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