Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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